Letter to the editor

This had me rolling this morning from ScaryMommy:

A Letter to My Pregnant, Childless Self

Dear Judgey McKnows-It-All,

Right now, your due date is approaching, and you’re hyper focusing on a lot of insignificant stuff. I wish you knew that none of what you are worrying about matters. What you need to do is go to bed now and sleep until the baby comes. It could be your last chance to sleep for a few uninterrupted hours for the rest of your life.

What’s that you say? You’re not sleeping well because the pregnancy is making you so uncomfortable? Think again my friend. Soon you will be lying awake at 3 am in a pool of baby vomit, but you won’t want to move a muscle for fear of waking your precious little bundle of “sleeps when held.”

While we are on the topic of useless shit (pun intended) that you are obsessing over, it seems as though you are sitting around wondering if you’ll poop on the table during delivery. Guess what? When the time actually comes, you won’t care if fecal matter ends up on the ceiling as long as they get that baby the hell out of you faster than a teenage boy gets off on the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Oh, and that book you’re reading on natural birth? Quit wasting your time with it and pick up a copy of What the Fuck Do I Do with this Baby? because once you’re actually in labor, you’ll tap out at three centimeters and beg for curbside epidural service as you pull into the hospital. Besides, the delivery is only one day, and the baby will be here for a l-i-f-e-t-i-m-e. Your time would be better spent learning something about child rearing rather than practicing breathing techniques that will do nothing for the pain, although, they might come in handy for your first bowel movement post childbirth.

On another note, you seem to have a lot of opinions on parenting right now, but you will quickly realize that you have no idea what you’re doing which reminds me that I should warn you about the bitch that Karma is. For all of the judgments you make now about other people’s parenting techniques, you will be sentenced to a lifetime of mom guilt laden thoughts. So, keep judging your friend who leaves her kids at daycare an extra hour so she can shop or cook by herself. In just a few short months, you will find yourself wishing daycare was open on weekends too. And the woman you saw at the grocery store in the frozen foods aisle whose nipples were pointing in different directions? Nice job criticizing her to your husband. Karma is about to replace your tots with 2 National Geographic style tube socks each holding a teeny, tiny ping-pong ball.

So, have that extra slice of cheesecake now while you’re still delusional. You think you are all belly, but it’s going straight to your ass. And, by the way, you won’t be one of those lucky women who loses weight from breastfeeding. You will be the mom whose kid shows up everyday for preschool without his folder, mismatching clothes, and maybe even a little bit of food still on his face while you’re wearing a moo moo not fit for your grandmother. Memories of a daily shower will seem as magical as monkeys flying out of your ass and serving you mojitos on the white sands of Maui. Soon, going to the dentist will be the most relaxing thing you have time for. You will see.

After the baby is born, between caring for him, your new found realization of what a dipshit your husband can be, and your post partum hormones, you will be so overwhelmed that you’ll start popping birth control like skittles just to make sure you don’t have a second child. Then, one night over a box of Franzia’s finest, you’ll find yourself just loopy enough to do it again.

There is only one thing that will get you through the stretch marks, the puke stains, and the depression over your saggy post birth vagina – the love that, right now, you are unaware even exists.

So hold onto your mom jeans and try not to wet your pants while you still have some level of bladder control – this ride is just beginning. Stop being a judgmental bitch and start supporting other moms. You’re going to need them once you realize that you don’t have a fucking clue what you’re doing…
Love,
Me

***Full blog here: http://www.scarymommy.com/a-letter-to-my-pregnant-child-less-self/***

Dallas- Detox for Dummies

It's that time again!

I haven't done a detox since the beginning of last summer so my body is READY. I usually do this twice a year to get my body clear of the toxic nasties and ready for me to eventually mess it up again.

There are many ways to detox and cleanse the body. I avoid all over the counter pills and gimmicks and do it naturally. If you google (bless google) for different detox diets you will have a slew of ones to choose from. I have done a 3 day juice one which was all sorts of awful and in the end I didn't feel the change in my body but just really hungry and still suffering from caffeine and sugar withdrawals.

The one I tend to go back to is a 7 day detox followed by an additional 3 weeks of super foods. It also has forms of protein to keep you going. After two weeks I have always felt so much better it makes the dread of starting it a little more tolerable.


This time I have Meg with me to suffer along. We started today and I have had a dull headache since noon and if I see blueberries I might just hurl. I just want to boil myself in the bath and go to bed to wake up to day 2. I forgot to weigh myself today since that aspect of detoxing is always interesting. Losing weight isn't my goal but it naturally happens when doing these things. Next time I'm stuffing my face with a sugar cookie piled high with frosting I need to remember the absolute shit feeling I have right now. Like going to bed after a girls night out and my pores leak vodka while I'm sleeping it off. Fun times!

Wish us luck on our journey....

- The pic of Kate in a bikini sporting the flattest stomach known to man kind will serve its will power purpose.

Dallas- Did My Ovaries Just Quiver?

God bless Google!

I'm in the process of researching my next series of tattoos. While doing so I was on Google images to see if I could find something that represented what I want.

Well hot damn, lookie lookie what happened to be on the page.

My lady parts sang to the high heavens at the sight of this man. Granted they tend to sing for far less but GOOD GOD!

Enjoy the man candy, TGIF!

Meg-Need a laugh?

When I need a good laugh, I LOVE watching bloopers...especially friends bloopers...

Meg- this is how we roll

All superheroes are included. Batman shirt, batman mask, superman cape, Spider-Man shoes.

The people at the restaurant thought he was pretty cute...so do I!

Dallas- Don't Discount Your Lady Bits

If you want to sell your house, you have to mow the lawn!

There is always a difference of opinion when it comes to personal grooming. Some like it more natural a la 70's style or bare as a hairless cat. Here kitty kitty...

I myself like the bare route. The feeling, the sensitivity, and of course the look. Don't get me wrong, a little top flare is good like the strip, martini, half moon, etc. Hell, you can even dye it different colors or bling out your puss with rhinestones! Gotta love modern times.

I fell victim to a Groupon for Brazilian Wax. I've had the same lady for years and she is wonderful but also a 30 minute drive away. When things got busy in December I made the mistake of buying the Groupon for a more local Salon and Spa. I know women have their own preference on hard wax verses the grip and rip strips and after this experience, I'll never have hard wax again.
I won't go into detail but I will kiss my lady next appointment and tip her in diamonds.

Handle your Barbara Bush with care and if you want to go frugal or try a new spa do your homework. Your nethers will thank you!

Meg- WTF Wednesday

Ever looked into iFunny?  Don't do it, it is a great waste of time.  

Favorite of my day:

Dallas- I'll Get Him Hard...

                         SHOW HIM WHAT I GOT

^^ This is what my 8 year old was happily singing in the back seat^^

" Hey P, lets not sing that song anymore, ok?"

" I didn't hear any bad words mom"

" Babe, it's not the words that are bad, it's the meaning of them"

" What do they mean?"


WTF Wednesday- Parenting Edition

Meg-reflecting today

Since shit hit the fan I've been picking one to ten motivational/inspirational/funny quotes to reflect and think about while working out.

Today:

Meg-Oh yes I am-Leg Day!

I am at the gym...again!

Kids are happy playing down at kids stuff and happy about it.

I am currently on the elliptical sweating like a piggy. My usual routine consists of 30-45 on the elliptical. I do the double mountain and use the elliptical without arms. I like this time to concentrate on my thighs. The arms on cardio are useful for keeping your heartrate up...I don't have an issue with this. So I go arm free--personal choice.

Next I meander over to the mats and do about 5 minutes of stretching and depending on my day ill do at least 15 minutes of core.

After core I am starting to re-incorporate more weights. Thing is I build muscle fast and can quickly become "man-ish". So now that I've toned down to 165 pounds (I'm 5-8") I'm wanting to build more muscle. The more muscle you have the more calories you burn sleeping as my good friend once told me.

Monday I lifted arms, yesterday I lifted chest, today I am going to torture my legs.

Up first I'm thinking squats with about 90# on my body weight, aiming for 3 sets of 15 reps, then cardio walking lunges, then leg extensions (quads), cardio of rapid knee raises on the bosu, followed my hamstrings, abductors and funally adductors (inner and outter thigh). I'm aiming to be here for 90 minutes.

By keeping the workout moving and alternating cardio and strength you're giving yourself an interval workout which burns higher calories than cardio alone or weight lifting alone.

Most of what I do, can be done at home! Do some body weight squats and lunges! Move it!

Meg- Quinoa it's whats for dinner!

Have you heard of Quinoa (KEEN-wah)?

It is a grain, similar to rice, it is gluten free and has a mild flavor and a little sweet.  It is higher in protein than rice or oatmeal, and has been a favorite food of vegetarians and vegans for a long time.  

It is finally hitting main stream supermarkets, but be careful, you could end up spending over $8 for a couple coups of it!  Check your local whole foods or co-op, I found mine at a co-op for $3.39 a pound.  

Tonight, I made a knock off of fried rice.  Yum!  

It is a little more involved to make than rice, but it isn't hard.  My brother gave me some wonderful tips on how to make it:

1 cup uncooked quinoa makes about 3 cups cooked.

Put 1 c quinoa in a bowl with about 2 c cool water and let soak anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour.  The point is to soften up the outside of the quinoa so it is easier to wash away.  It isn't a required step but it works nicely.

After soaking, take a whisk and stir up to agitate to remove the outside of the grain.  

Rinse well in a fine metal sieve.

Put the quinoa in a pan with about 3 c water and bring to a boil.  After it boils reduce to lowest heat setting and let simmer until fully cooked...about 20 minutes depending on how long you soaked it.  It is done when the grain opens up and it transparent.  Remove from pan and rinse.  

You can make a big batch and keep in the fridge then flavor to your liking at each meal.  It is wonderful as a salad, a side dish, or main dish.  

Meg- Tips on Toning

You can't spot reduce fat from a specific area of your body. You also can't convert fat into muscle. What you can do is firm up your flabby thighs by reducing the amount of body fat from your whole body -- which will include the fat on your thighs -- and toning the leg muscles. Combining cardiovascular exercise with targeted thigh resistance training will change the appearance of your legs.

Exercise Recommendations

Step 1

Perform cardiovascular exercise three to five days per week for moderate fat loss, or five to seven days per week for significant fat loss, according to the American College of Sports Medicine. Exercise for 30 to 60 minutes each session at a moderate to high intensity for the best results.

Step 2

Choose any activity that you enjoy, but it should be challenging to burn more calories and fat. For example, a 160-pound person can burn 277 calories if she walks for one hour at 3.5 mph, according to the MayoClinic.com. The same person can burn 584 calories an hour by jogging at 5.0 mph. Jogging will lead to greater results over walking.

Step 3

Interval-train. Incorporate high-intensity interval training into your workout for greater fat loss. For example, you can alternate walking and running if you cannot run for an extended period of time. Start with a five minute walking warm up. Run fast for 30 to 90 seconds, followed by one to three minutes of brisk walking. Alternate walking and running for the duration of your workout.

Step 4

Train your legs two to three times per week on non-consecutive days. Do one to three sets of 8 to 12 repetitions per exercise. Choose two to four multi-joint exercises for your workout. You can do squats, lunges, step-ups or any of their variations. These exercises work the glutes, quadriceps and hamstrings muscles in your lower body. Hold a set of dumbbells while executing each exercise. To perform a squat, stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, bend at the hips and knees, lowering your body and standing back up. Go right into lunges by standing with your feet hip-width apart and stepping forward with one foot. Lower your body by bending the hips and knees and press back up to the start position. Alternate your legs for toning on both thighs. Perform step-ups by using a bench and stepping up on top of it and lowering yourself with the same leg. Perform repetitions on both legs for balanced thigh toning.

Step 5

Perform two to four single-joint exercises in addition to your multi-joint exercises if you want to target your thighs more. Leg extensions, leg curls or any variations are appropriate. Perform leg extensions in a seated position to tone the fronts of your thighs by straightening and bending the knees. Perform a lying leg curl by lying on your stomach. You raise and lower a weight by bending and straightening the knees to tone the backs of your thighs.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/542836-how-to-create-toned-thighs-from-flabby-thighs/#ixzz2HQmnVkFz

Meg- Why I hate haircuts...

Not so much for me, but my kids.  I swear...it goes from this:

To this:

Ok. OK!  I know, he has NO hair in the first picture.  

My point is it seems, especially little boys, grow years when they get their haircut!  I love watching him grow up, but slow it down a bit kid!  

About Jen

State your name Jen

Were you named after anyone?  First name, no.  Middle name, yes.

What is the first thing you do when you wake up?  Lay there and enjoy a moment of peace and quiet before the chaos of the day begins

Who's in your ultimate celebrity sandwich?  Ryan Reynolds

Do you believe happiness is a given or something you have to work at?  In some instances it is given to you, or found in someone or some thing, but you definitely have to work to maintain it.

What's the next thing planned in your life you are looking forward to?  A surprise 60th Birthday party for my Dad

When was the last time you cried?  Yesterday

Do you believe time heals?  Yes, but there is always a scar left behind

Manual or battery operated?  Manual!  Nothing better then the real thing!

Favorite quote?  Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful 

Do you think men should partake in personal grooming?  Depends on what kind of situation they've got going on!

Name the song the gets you moving?  Music in general....up beat and loud!

What is your favorite body part?  Back of the neck, hands, and lips

Any fears we should know about?  Something happening to anyone in my family....they are my world!

What is your favorite piece of clothing or accessory in your closet?  A great jacket

When you lost your virginity, was it what you expected?  Not bad, but it only gets better! 

Last book you read?  Cannon T3i For Dummies......thrilling, I know!

Is love constant or ever evolving in and out?  Constant

Opinion on tattoos and body piercing?  Open to both if not over done

When was the last time you literally laughed out loud?  Watching The Bachelor last night.  Gotta love the drunk girl who on the first night goes down in a blaze of glory!

About Dallas

State your name   Dallas

Were you named after anyone?  The vintage soap Dallas. J.R ring any bells?

What is the first thing you do when you wake up?  Make coffee

What was the last song or album you downloaded? Song: Ghosts N Stuff by Deadmau5 Album: Give'n It by Pepper

Who's in your ultimate celebrity sandwich? I'm a book nerd so I have "book boyfriends" not celebs. Someone totally alpha, takes what he wants, domineering but sensitive. Can you tell I read a lot of smut? He's out there though.

Do you believe happiness is a given or something you have to work at? I think we are predisposed to happiness. It's life's bullshit that takes it away. That saying, I'm actually a very happy easy breezy person. If I have a problem, I fix it. Life's too short to waste away wanting something you can have. That's being stagnant, not living.

What's the next thing planned in your life you are looking forward to? Girls weekend in Feb. Charlotte NC

When was the last time you cried?  Got my feelers hurt when I knew better, very recently.

Do you believe time heals? If that shit were true, why do I still have urges to neuter my high school boyfriend?

Manual or battery operated? Depends on how much time I have to dedicate to the mission.

Favorite quote?  “Truth, honesty, perseverance, strength, love of all kinds and forgiveness are all beautiful. The most beautiful stories ever told are the most difficult to take.” 

Do you think men should partake in personal grooming?  I was never into metro guys with overly sculpted brows, fully shaved chests, and perfect "messy" hair. I do however appreciate a good trim job. I'm not flossing, ya know?

Name the song the gets you moving?  This question needs clarifying. Like work out playlist? Well, when I run it's stuff like Daft Punk, Deadmau5, Aoki, Benassi&Biz, bass heavy hip hop etc. All other times my tastes are pretty eclectic. Can't name just one I guess.

What is your favorite body part? The "dip" at the lower neck, that beautiful spot on a man at the bottom of his back right where the cheekies start, ribs, behind the ears..... Seriously, bad question!

Any fears we should know about? Being on a bridge during an accident or earthquake and sleeping outside overnight.

What is your favorite piece of clothing or accessory in your closet? This ones hard, I have 3... Black leather moto jacket, ultra skinny dark denim jeans, and my See By Chloe black booties.

When you lost your virginity, was it what you expected?  Bhahahaha. Major let down. Maybe that's my fault for having high expectations.

Last book you read? Captive in the Dark

Is love constant or ever evolving in and out? It's constant but involves many shades of grey.  I believe you can at one time be in love with someone but eventually wind up loving them as just a friend. Hence, many shades.

Opinion on tattoos and body piercing? Yes and Yes. I have 3 tattoos and have had 8 body parts pierced over the years. The whole look is very appealing.

When was the last time you literally laughed out loud? About 15 minutes ago when my girlfriend texted me a picture of penis with a caption about being ambidextrous.

About CoCo La Rue

Coco

Were you named after anyone? My given name is after a soap opera star. Coco is a nickname from my little brother.

What is the first thing you do when you wake up? Take a deep breath.

What was the last song or album you downloaded? Locked out of Heaven

Who's in your ultimate celebrity sandwich? Matt Damon and Daniel Craig (apparently I am into the action hero dude)

Do you believe happiness is a given or something you have to work at? Work, work, work and enjoy

What's the next thing planned in your life you are looking forward to? Not sure.... most of the things in my life that I look forward to aren't planned, they just happen. Which doesn't make sense. I look forward to the unexpected pleasures.

When was the last time you cried? several times during the days after Sandy Hook.

Do you believe time heals? yes, it heals but never fully

Manual or battery operated? MANual

Favorite quote? Let it be; Serenity Prayer

Do you think men should partake in personal grooming? I don't care as long as they don't stink

Name the song the gets you moving? anything upbeat by Adele

What is your favorite body part? neck

Any fears we should know about? losing my loved ones

What is your favorite piece of clothing or accessory in your closet? cozy scarf

When you lost your virginity, was it what you expected? meh.... I didn't know what to expect

Last book you read? Wonder... top 10 books of all time

Is love constant or ever evolving in and out? constant

Opinion on tattoos and body piercing? I'd have more if I didn't have the jobby job I do

When was the last time you literally laughed out loud? tonight when my almost four-year-old replied to my husband's request to just use her hands to feed herself with "Then why did you give me a fork?!"

About Megan

State your name? Megan

Were you named after anyone?  Nope

What is the first thing you do when you wake up?  Wonder if my children escaped out of the house during the night

What was the last song or album you downloaded?  Song: Glitter in the air by Pink; Album: Passenger by Passenger

Who's in your ultimate celebrity sandwich?  Bradley Cooper

Do you believe happiness is a given or something you have to work at?  Work, but it shouldn't be this hard

What's the next thing planned in your life you are looking forward to?  Change.  Getting done with school and finding my own path

When was the last time you cried?  Earlier today...

Do you believe time heals?  I sure as shit hope so or I have a lifetime of hurt to look forward to.

Manual or battery operated?  Batteries

Favorite quote?  "Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

Do you think men should partake in personal grooming?  Yes, but don't ask your wife to shave your back.  Gag.

Name the song the gets you moving?  Changes daily...Buckcherry always kicks me in the rear at the gym.

What is your favorite body part?  The little notch on a man's chest, just at the bottom of his neck.  

Any fears we should know about?  I fear being unhappy.

What is your favorite piece of clothing or accessory in your closet?  Sexy jeans that fit in all the right places.

When you lost your virginity, was it what you expected?  NO WAY!  

Last book you read?  The 50 Shades Trilogy

Is love constant or ever evolving in and out?  I used to believe it was ever evolving but maybe that's because I am not with the right person?  I know it's work, but when did it become so much work?

Opinion on tattoos and body piercing?  Do it if you can live with it.  Piercings can be removed--tattoos just sag.

When was the last time you literally laughed out loud?  Saturday at 4 am.

964 DOWN

It's been 3 years and 964 posts later!


We have made a collective decision as contributors of Shades Of Laughter to


                                        RESTART and REFRESH


Just like life, things evolve. Lets get to it...




Time for a little Q&A!