Letter to the editor

This had me rolling this morning from ScaryMommy:

A Letter to My Pregnant, Childless Self

Dear Judgey McKnows-It-All,

Right now, your due date is approaching, and you’re hyper focusing on a lot of insignificant stuff. I wish you knew that none of what you are worrying about matters. What you need to do is go to bed now and sleep until the baby comes. It could be your last chance to sleep for a few uninterrupted hours for the rest of your life.

What’s that you say? You’re not sleeping well because the pregnancy is making you so uncomfortable? Think again my friend. Soon you will be lying awake at 3 am in a pool of baby vomit, but you won’t want to move a muscle for fear of waking your precious little bundle of “sleeps when held.”

While we are on the topic of useless shit (pun intended) that you are obsessing over, it seems as though you are sitting around wondering if you’ll poop on the table during delivery. Guess what? When the time actually comes, you won’t care if fecal matter ends up on the ceiling as long as they get that baby the hell out of you faster than a teenage boy gets off on the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Oh, and that book you’re reading on natural birth? Quit wasting your time with it and pick up a copy of What the Fuck Do I Do with this Baby? because once you’re actually in labor, you’ll tap out at three centimeters and beg for curbside epidural service as you pull into the hospital. Besides, the delivery is only one day, and the baby will be here for a l-i-f-e-t-i-m-e. Your time would be better spent learning something about child rearing rather than practicing breathing techniques that will do nothing for the pain, although, they might come in handy for your first bowel movement post childbirth.

On another note, you seem to have a lot of opinions on parenting right now, but you will quickly realize that you have no idea what you’re doing which reminds me that I should warn you about the bitch that Karma is. For all of the judgments you make now about other people’s parenting techniques, you will be sentenced to a lifetime of mom guilt laden thoughts. So, keep judging your friend who leaves her kids at daycare an extra hour so she can shop or cook by herself. In just a few short months, you will find yourself wishing daycare was open on weekends too. And the woman you saw at the grocery store in the frozen foods aisle whose nipples were pointing in different directions? Nice job criticizing her to your husband. Karma is about to replace your tots with 2 National Geographic style tube socks each holding a teeny, tiny ping-pong ball.

So, have that extra slice of cheesecake now while you’re still delusional. You think you are all belly, but it’s going straight to your ass. And, by the way, you won’t be one of those lucky women who loses weight from breastfeeding. You will be the mom whose kid shows up everyday for preschool without his folder, mismatching clothes, and maybe even a little bit of food still on his face while you’re wearing a moo moo not fit for your grandmother. Memories of a daily shower will seem as magical as monkeys flying out of your ass and serving you mojitos on the white sands of Maui. Soon, going to the dentist will be the most relaxing thing you have time for. You will see.

After the baby is born, between caring for him, your new found realization of what a dipshit your husband can be, and your post partum hormones, you will be so overwhelmed that you’ll start popping birth control like skittles just to make sure you don’t have a second child. Then, one night over a box of Franzia’s finest, you’ll find yourself just loopy enough to do it again.

There is only one thing that will get you through the stretch marks, the puke stains, and the depression over your saggy post birth vagina – the love that, right now, you are unaware even exists.

So hold onto your mom jeans and try not to wet your pants while you still have some level of bladder control – this ride is just beginning. Stop being a judgmental bitch and start supporting other moms. You’re going to need them once you realize that you don’t have a fucking clue what you’re doing…
Love,
Me

***Full blog here: http://www.scarymommy.com/a-letter-to-my-pregnant-child-less-self/***

Dallas- Detox for Dummies

It's that time again!

I haven't done a detox since the beginning of last summer so my body is READY. I usually do this twice a year to get my body clear of the toxic nasties and ready for me to eventually mess it up again.

There are many ways to detox and cleanse the body. I avoid all over the counter pills and gimmicks and do it naturally. If you google (bless google) for different detox diets you will have a slew of ones to choose from. I have done a 3 day juice one which was all sorts of awful and in the end I didn't feel the change in my body but just really hungry and still suffering from caffeine and sugar withdrawals.

The one I tend to go back to is a 7 day detox followed by an additional 3 weeks of super foods. It also has forms of protein to keep you going. After two weeks I have always felt so much better it makes the dread of starting it a little more tolerable.


This time I have Meg with me to suffer along. We started today and I have had a dull headache since noon and if I see blueberries I might just hurl. I just want to boil myself in the bath and go to bed to wake up to day 2. I forgot to weigh myself today since that aspect of detoxing is always interesting. Losing weight isn't my goal but it naturally happens when doing these things. Next time I'm stuffing my face with a sugar cookie piled high with frosting I need to remember the absolute shit feeling I have right now. Like going to bed after a girls night out and my pores leak vodka while I'm sleeping it off. Fun times!

Wish us luck on our journey....

- The pic of Kate in a bikini sporting the flattest stomach known to man kind will serve its will power purpose.

Dallas- Did My Ovaries Just Quiver?

God bless Google!

I'm in the process of researching my next series of tattoos. While doing so I was on Google images to see if I could find something that represented what I want.

Well hot damn, lookie lookie what happened to be on the page.

My lady parts sang to the high heavens at the sight of this man. Granted they tend to sing for far less but GOOD GOD!

Enjoy the man candy, TGIF!

Meg-Need a laugh?

When I need a good laugh, I LOVE watching bloopers...especially friends bloopers...

Meg- this is how we roll

All superheroes are included. Batman shirt, batman mask, superman cape, Spider-Man shoes.

The people at the restaurant thought he was pretty cute...so do I!

Dallas- Don't Discount Your Lady Bits

If you want to sell your house, you have to mow the lawn!

There is always a difference of opinion when it comes to personal grooming. Some like it more natural a la 70's style or bare as a hairless cat. Here kitty kitty...

I myself like the bare route. The feeling, the sensitivity, and of course the look. Don't get me wrong, a little top flare is good like the strip, martini, half moon, etc. Hell, you can even dye it different colors or bling out your puss with rhinestones! Gotta love modern times.

I fell victim to a Groupon for Brazilian Wax. I've had the same lady for years and she is wonderful but also a 30 minute drive away. When things got busy in December I made the mistake of buying the Groupon for a more local Salon and Spa. I know women have their own preference on hard wax verses the grip and rip strips and after this experience, I'll never have hard wax again.
I won't go into detail but I will kiss my lady next appointment and tip her in diamonds.

Handle your Barbara Bush with care and if you want to go frugal or try a new spa do your homework. Your nethers will thank you!

Meg- WTF Wednesday

Ever looked into iFunny?  Don't do it, it is a great waste of time.  

Favorite of my day:

Dallas- I'll Get Him Hard...

                         SHOW HIM WHAT I GOT

^^ This is what my 8 year old was happily singing in the back seat^^

" Hey P, lets not sing that song anymore, ok?"

" I didn't hear any bad words mom"

" Babe, it's not the words that are bad, it's the meaning of them"

" What do they mean?"


WTF Wednesday- Parenting Edition

Meg-reflecting today

Since shit hit the fan I've been picking one to ten motivational/inspirational/funny quotes to reflect and think about while working out.

Today:

Meg-Oh yes I am-Leg Day!

I am at the gym...again!

Kids are happy playing down at kids stuff and happy about it.

I am currently on the elliptical sweating like a piggy. My usual routine consists of 30-45 on the elliptical. I do the double mountain and use the elliptical without arms. I like this time to concentrate on my thighs. The arms on cardio are useful for keeping your heartrate up...I don't have an issue with this. So I go arm free--personal choice.

Next I meander over to the mats and do about 5 minutes of stretching and depending on my day ill do at least 15 minutes of core.

After core I am starting to re-incorporate more weights. Thing is I build muscle fast and can quickly become "man-ish". So now that I've toned down to 165 pounds (I'm 5-8") I'm wanting to build more muscle. The more muscle you have the more calories you burn sleeping as my good friend once told me.

Monday I lifted arms, yesterday I lifted chest, today I am going to torture my legs.

Up first I'm thinking squats with about 90# on my body weight, aiming for 3 sets of 15 reps, then cardio walking lunges, then leg extensions (quads), cardio of rapid knee raises on the bosu, followed my hamstrings, abductors and funally adductors (inner and outter thigh). I'm aiming to be here for 90 minutes.

By keeping the workout moving and alternating cardio and strength you're giving yourself an interval workout which burns higher calories than cardio alone or weight lifting alone.

Most of what I do, can be done at home! Do some body weight squats and lunges! Move it!